2009: The Year of the D-Bag

There are some words that you just don't like when you first hear them. For me, one of these words was "douchebag." When I learned what a douche actually is and then imagined a bag full of them, I wasn't particularly offended, but something about the way the word sounds just did not sit right with me.

However, as this year progressed, I came to realize that sometimes some words are just devastatingly perfect to describe a certain situation or person or event, etc. Over the course of these 12 months, I have embraced the word douchebag and added it to my dictionary of blanket terms.

How did this revelation come to pass? Well, since July 2007 (when I turned 19) my life has primarily been a series of distractions to pass the time between my mother's incessant talk of my marriage. What I hadn't realized was that once I had gone to college, my primary reason for existing on this planet was to get married and pop out some little terrors. The frequency and intensity that of this badgering has grown steadily over the past two years, and exponentially over the past two months.

Anyway, back to douchebags. This year has really been rough for my mom (and mothers like her everywhere) to make the case for getting married over pursuing other things. Basically, 2009 was the year of the douchebag: a parade of men who after being lauded/elected for their abilities and talents, proved to be little more than you garden variety douche-bag. Let's take a little look at 2009's Douchebag Hall of Fame:

(in no particular order)

Mark Sanford - should I get married to a politician, I'd better make sure that he isn't making booty-call trips to argentina using our state's tax money. This governor of South Carolina was just another member of the Douchebag House of Carolina, taking after his douche-brother John Edwards (cheating on your wife while she's in breast cancer remission? classy...). At least the good old SC has some nice beaches.

Joe Wilson - South Carolina seems to be the gift that keeps on giving. SC Rep Joe Wilson was that brave/douchey soul who yelled "You Lie!" during one of Obama's congressional addresses. Now, whether or not you think someone is lying, it's best to let them know AFTER they finish addressing congress, just so you don't become famous on youtube for the wrong/douchiest of reasons.

Chris Brown - no explanation needed.

Jon Gosselin - you know, there was a time when I really enjoyed watching JAKP8. The kids were so cute and it was really interesting to see what it takes to raise a family with so many effing people around. However, this year, we found out what happens when you put your huge ass family on TV: you find out your husband is a huge douchebag who really cares very little about the welfare of this EIGHT children. The wardrobe change also didn't help (Ed Hardy is pretty much made by Douchebag Inc.). Guess what Jon, you're still fat, you're still ugly, your hairplugs didn't work, and now you're just a giant tool.

Rod Blagojevich - the best part about this douchebag is that he actually thought he hadn't done anything wrong, even after there was solid proof! Being delusional is no more attractive than that dead animal you call a haircut. Selling senate seats is really not cool, especially when you do it over the phone.

Tiger Woods - there was a time when the only reason anyone who wasn't an old white dude played golf was because of Tiger Woods. Heck, even I spent some time at the driving range thinking that I was the next Happy Gilmore. Tiger was pretty much the reason golf is still a nationally televised sport, and everyone thought he was a great dude. But of course, like most members of the Douche Hall of Fame, he proved to be little more than your Grade-A douchebag. Tiger hit a tree and about 15 mistresses fell out. Douche.

Charlie Sheen - see Chris Brown.

I'm sure there were many more douchebags that I'm missing, but this is really depressing me right now. Ladies, take a few minutes every day to make sure that the dude you wake up next to isn't a douchebag because if 2009 has taught us anything, it's that the likelihood that our dudes are douchebags is actually several times what we once thought is was.