no shirt, no shoes

OK, it happened. I'm not really sure how or why, but some act of god convinced me that I was being a good friend by agreeing to see New Moon on my friend's birthday. She did play a very shrewd game by basically forcing us to comply because it was her birthday, so I was basically date-raped into seeing it.

New Moon is mostly about vampire ghosts but you'd never know this because of the wolf-men with perpetual fevers. The first 80% of the movie has about 2% of the story and is mostly a montage of bad decisions and shirtlessness (not that I minded). Basically, Cedric leaves Bella because his "brother" goes nuts over her blood when they throw her a bday party and she somehow gets a cut from wrapping paper (I guess vampires wrap gifts in knives) and her cinnamon-roll smelling blood is exposed. Anyway, RPatz takes Bella to the middle of the woods to break up with her, but she preoccupied by a storyline from LOTR where one of them gets old but the other doesn't. Anyway, he leaves.

At this point, Bella is like depression mode major and is basically an even more boring version of the shell of a human being she already was. Then, she realized that if she puts herself in dangerous situations, she can hallucinate Edward. Clearly, this is the most sane thing to do and the best way to do it is to spend a few weeks building dirt bikes with your baby-faced native american friend. Now, in reality-land, putting yourself in life-threatening situations intentionally would definitely be grounds for a Mental Inquest Warrant and a quick trip to Emergency Psychiatry Services, but there probs aren't any psychiatrists in Forks.

After this, I was pretty much confused about what was happening, but it was ok because Taylor Lautner's shirtless-ness made it easy for me to watch the movie without really knowing what was going on (congrats TSwift). Seriously though, I feel like a creeper for perving on a 17-year old, but he's basically asking for it. Oh yeah, his temperature goes up really high and he turns into a wolf when he gets really mad (whether there is a full moon or not).

Some fight scenes happen and Cedric thinks KStew is dead, so he tries to kill himself. She goes to italy and saves him somehow and Dakota Fanning is really creepy (she's in the movie for like 2 min but still has her own poster, wtf).

Anyway, I have no idea why it was called New Moon or why we even still care about these a-holes. Edward looked really stupid when he eventually disrobes after all that wolf-action.

Bottom Line: Watch on Mute